Fletcher is seven and may be well into his birthday party prime, but because of the timing of the pandemic hasn’t had many opportunities to attend parties other than for family. If I’m being honest, not having the pressure of navigating invitations from classmates was maybe a bit of a silver lining during an otherwise difficult few years. It gave us extra time to work through some sensory things with him before putting him in what would have been totally overwhelming situations. The inevitable noise, the joyous chaos and constant movement of everyone around you is enough to send me over the edge much less a child struggling with sensory integration.
I am Fletcher’s sensory regulator. He relies on me to help him navigate situations when he’s too overwhelmed to come up with strategies on his own. He likes the security of knowing I’m in close proximity and knows I will reassure him that no matter how difficult, we’ll figure things out.
His bestie from the block had a birthday recently and invited him to her party. He was so excited. Like “set the timer on Alexa for 5 hours and 47 minutes the morning of the party” excited. And then “ask Alexa how much time is left on the timer every 10 minutes for 5 hours and 47 minutes” excited. He couldn’t wait.
This was a very safe opportunity to give independence a try, as our families are close and they love and understand Fletcher in a way that puts Mike and me completely at ease. Under normal birthday party circumstances where I may not know the family well, I would have stayed for the party, in the background of course.
There’s a fine line between protecting your child’s story by not sharing things about their struggles (that they’d prefer to keep private) with families of their buddies from school and putting measures into place that will ensure their success. To be honest, not all adults understand sensory processing challenges and sometimes that can be tricky, especially when they don’t know your child that well and perceive certain behaviors as defiance or disrespect. I know it’s a part of life, but its hard for me to bear the thought of an adult misunderstanding my child and a situation becoming unnecessarily negative as a result. It’s happened.
Fletcher and I had a long talk about the party and I wanted to let him decide how big (or little) of a role he wanted me to play. This was new territory for both of us.
“Fletch, would you like me to leave or stay?”
“Can you do a little of both? Then I can conquer my fears, but also know you’re coming back soon.”
“Absolutely, that sounds like a perfect solution. I’ll drop you off and get you settled and then come back in an hour, does that sound good?”
“Yeah, I like that idea.”
So that was our plan. I checked in with my friend, the mom of the birthday girl, and let her know how we were going to do things. She assured me that she’d send a text if anything came up before I got back. It was the best case scenario for letting Fletcher find his way in a social situation without me…hovering.
On our way to the party, between asking how many minutes until we would arrive, Fletcher paused and said “Mom? Can I tell you something?”
“Of course, Bud, what’s up?”
“I think I can stay the whole time by myself. My tummy is nervous and excited, but mostly excited. If I start feeling unsure, I’ll just ask Janny to text you and then can you come right back?”
“Absolutely. I think this sounds great. I’ll stay close and if you need me I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”
So THAT is actually what we did. And Fletcher did great. He was confident, comfortable and at ease. And you know what? So was I. Which was a gift. Because when your babies are out there on their own and unprotected it can be really scary for a parent.
Here’s what I think set Fletcher up for success:
- He was super comfortable with both the birthday girl and her parents so he knew he wouldn’t have any trouble asking for help or for them to get ahold of me if he needed something.
- The party was in a structured setting. It was held at a science venue in our area and the majority of the two-hour festivities were facilitated by one of their staff. I think an unstructured situation would have been a little trickier for him.
- We had prepared as much as possible by having several conversations and coming up with a plan together. He really liked having a say in how things would go.
Here’s what set me up for success:
- I was super comfortable with the birthday girl’s parents. We’re close friends, they know Fletcher well and I know they’ll always have his back.
- The party was in a structured setting so I didn’t worry about all of the unpredictable scenarios that can come along with a free-for-all situation.
- We prepared with conversations and came up with a plan together.
Funny how being set-up for success looked almost identical for both of us. Another example of how this journey is such a family affair.
And now we know how we’re going to handle birthday parties and other invitations moving forward. We’ll discuss the structure, decide how much or how little I need to be involved, come up with a plan, and make sure we’re all comfortable with it ahead of time knowing that there is always room to make changes.
Flexibility, mutual trust, communication and a little work ahead of time seem to be the key ingredients to our recipe for social success – along with relying on our sensory strategies and tweaking things as necessary. I know it’s unlikely that every party will go this smoothly, but it sure feels good to have had so much success to begin with. A shoutout to our village people who are on this journey with us and show their support no matter what.