This morning I let myself feel how hard all of this can sometimes be. I don’t do that often, and I didn’t stay there long. But I needed to give myself a minute to acknowledge that I had reached my limit rather than just plowing ahead and pretending that everything felt manageable. The reality of serving as the ultimate safe space and emotional regulator for my beloved boys is that it just isn’t always… manageable.
Fletcher has hovered at “over the top” most of the week and was struggling with virtual learning this morning. The internet went out for a brief moment during his morning meeting and that was enough to throw him off kilter. Despite being “able” to do the work in tandem with his class, he “needed” me…my constant acknowledgement of him being on task and doing a great job and my most undivided, deliberate focus. Except at the same moment, Max was screeching to get my attention. Peppa Pig had paused and he “needed” another snack. Today, Max was more progressive snack buffet than any form of a well-rounded meal. His high pitched screeching, while his way of communicating his needs, is one of Fletcher’s greatest triggers. Fletcher’s auditory system has a hard time processing the frequency… so when there’s screeching from Max, there is almost always yelling from Fletcher – a cry of agony. It’s worth mentioning that the dog was also scratching at the back door, tenaciously requesting to go out for the third time in fifteen minutes. My mind was racing with all the things I have on my to do list and my anxiety was positioned to hit the top of the Richter scale. It was too much at once – propelling me into my own form of sensory dysregulation. The tart, bitterness of lemons overpowering any effort to taste the sugary sweetness of lemonade in that moment. Can anyone relate?
It’s Friday and the end of what has felt like a long and exceptionally difficult week. Likely the byproduct of changing weather, daylight savings time looming and hitting the one-year milestone of living life in a pandemic. Normally I try to push through feelings that contradict my steadfast desire to remain hopeful, optimistic and totally dialed in. But not today.
Today I gave myself the space to feel it all. And the grace to avoid any obligation to find the silver lining for a moment. I turned on an audio book (my most consistent form of self care lately), lit a candle that reminded me of quality time spent with my mom and sisters, drank some coffee, called my mom (I’m quickly approaching 40 and she often still serves as MY emotional regulator) and connected with a few friends via quick texts.
It didn’t necessarily mitigate the overwhelming feeling of simultaneously being pulled in a million directions, or the frustration of still living life in a pandemic. Or the staggering desire for a break. But allowing myself to live in the feelings for a brief moment felt like an empowering reset. A conscious choice. And after a little bit, I revisited my mantra from last week…”Pull your hair back, pour some coffee, handle it.”
And that’s exactly what I’ll do today. Handle it. I just needed to take a brief detour, pausing with my flashers on to tend to my own needs and feelings before finding my way there. Now…does anyone have a wand they can wave that will magically deep clean my house and permanently eliminate all of the clutter? If so… I’m your girl. I’m fantasizing about living a minimalist lifestyle in a pristine, modern RV. I should probably cool-it with the documentaries, ha.
Sending some extra love and grace to those having a day or week that’s more lemons than lemonade. May you find a moment to pause, feel all the feelings, and then find a clear path forward.