We’ve entered the phase of life where Fletcher and his buddies, in all of their eight-year-old glory, call each other bro or bruh…almost exclusively. I even have the pleasure of being referred to as “bruh” if the circumstances are right, it’s an honor, really :). Some of my mom friends and I have fully embraced this by including bruh in our vernacular. A simple text of “Hi! Bruh is ready to be picked up!.” or “The bros had a great time.” It’s a fun way to show our solidarity in enduring the various phases of parenthood. There are many ahead for which I’m certain I will be ill prepared.
Fletcher is lucky to have a really great core group of friends at school. They’re mostly very close, pretty inclusive and wild about soccer and basketball. Several of his buds are very similar to him. Boatloads of energy, in constant motion, brain moving 1,000 miles a minute, easily distracted, the type who gets report card comments like “he’s such a great kid, but is VERY social.” You know, the modern day, more politically correct way of saying “talks too much.”
With kids in any grade level, there will be conflicts that come up. Mostly, Fletcher and his friends are able to work through them pretty well and move on. I don’t hear too much about squabbles. They’d rather spend their time playing together. Fletcher has a pretty tight-knit grade level that’s diverse in culture, ability and learning style and we absolutely adore that for him. There has never been a question if he’d be accepted and that’s really true about everyone else, too. They help each other out, embrace one another’s quirks, and genuinely care about each other. I sometimes wonder if navigating the pandemic together made them closer.
Fletcher is extremely intuitive and an empath, feeling feelings on a visceral level. He’s pretty aware of his surrounding and voluntarily pinpoints when someone else is hurting and usually makes sure they’re okay. So I was a little thrown off by a message I received from another parent recently indicating that Fletcher had been ignoring her son, requesting he sit somewhere else at lunch, etc. We preach and model kindness and inclusivity at home so my initial reaction was to be really disappointed.
A recovering people pleaser, I had to resist the urge to apologize profusely and take total responsibility for his actions, because I only had one side of the story. Historically, this would’ve derailed me for days. Being a mom is deeply personal for me, which is impacted by the complicated and long journey we’re on. A part of my own journey has been working on processing, addressing and then letting go. I can’t be everywhere all the time to monitor and help navigate situations, I can only do the work at home to make sure Fletcher is prepared.
I had a very polite text exchange with this mom, whom I really respect, and Mike and I had a long talk with Fletcher about kindness and being sensitive to the feelings of others. The rational part of me knows that it is our job to make sure our son has the tools and strategies he needs to be kind. It is not our job to force him to be friends with everyone. That’s a really big, unrealistic expectation – even for adults. He’s allowed to feel frustrated or annoyed at times, or feel that he needs space.
Here’s the honest truth. This is a very age appropriate conflict for two kids their ages and an opportunity for both of them to learn about friendships and healthy boundaries. There are two sides to every story as they say, and I think it’s important to honor that. If this progresses, I’ll be asking the guidance counselor at school to run a circle with the two boys so that concerns can be addressed. But for now, I’m going to let this continue to play out, resist the urge to insert myself, and not project my own feelings or previous experiences onto my child.
Most people don’t know how far Fletcher has come or how hard he’s worked to get to where he is. They also don’t realize that despite how confident he presents and how boisterous and outgoing he is, he struggles, too. He’s a head taller than most of the kids in his grade so he’s frequently perceived as being older and more mature than he actually is. His impulse control, hyper focus during play and sensory integration challenges can present some challenges for him. Sometimes, all of this is really difficult to balance.
Sigh. Friendships can be hard. Even in second grade.
Speaking of friendships, let’s talk about birthday parties.
Last year almost to the day, I wrote about the birthday party conundrum: whether to stay or to go. I was concerned with hovering too much, but I was also nervous to leave – just in case Fletcher got overwhelmed in an unfamiliar environment, had a hart time respecting personal space or had a meltdown. Because of the pandemic, he hadn’t had many opportunities to practice being with a larger group of kids, in a relatively unstructured environment without me.
I opted to leave last year. The conditions were right. Fletcher was attending the party of a dear friend whose parents know and adore him and would have called me if anything came up, so it was a very safe way to give him some independence. He did great. And I was reminded that a little independence is good for him. And good for me, too.
Fast forward a year. We’re in the midst of Fletcher’s power week of 3 birthday parties in 10 days. This kid’s social calendar is lit. He looks forward to these parties and I’ve loosened up a little bit with how to handle whether to drop him off and go or to stick around. I’m the school dropoff/pick up parent so generally know the school families better than Mike does, therefore, I usually do party duty which I don’t mind. Many of the parents have become my friends which is a bonus.
I handle every party individually, but here are the general guidelines I follow:
- If it’s in a structured environment with parents we know well, I’ll generally leave and let Fletcher enjoy the bro-filled hype of an eight-year-old birthday party on his own.
- If it’s an unstructured environment with parents we know well, I kind of feel it out. I may decide to stick around in the background, but could also feel okay leaving. My gut usually takes the guesswork out of it for me. Sometimes I’ll leave for a little bit so as not to hover, but then return in 30-40 minutes to check-in.
- If it’s an unstructured environment with parents we don’t know well, I generally stick around. I’ll bring a book or some work to do and set-up somewhere where I can observe from afar and only intervene if it’s really needed.
- If I’m really unsure, I’ll offer to stay and help, or we may skip it all together, but that would be an extreme situation.
It comes down to this: Level of structure, how well we know the family and safety. Kids are going to be kids. The excitement (and sugar) of a birthday party naturally increases their volume, energy level and general enthusiasm and intensity. I don’t worry too much about that stuff. I just want to make sure Fletcher is set-up for success.
Take aways from this? Friendships and birthday parties alike are about balance. Sometimes that’s hard to achieve with kiddos who struggle with regulation, but it’s possible. Generally, if supportive work is put in on the front end by kids and parents alike, everyone will experience success in the long run.