You know that saying, “a few clowns shy of a circus?”  Well today we WERE the circus.  Whistling, crying, cheering, trampoline stunts, acrobatics and all.  We were just missing those waxy orange peanuts and the smell of fresh popcorn.

Both boys had therapy at the same time.  Speech for Max and OT for Fletcher.  Normally, this works out great.  Fletch goes with his fabulous therapist where he knows the routine and usually does great. I stay with Max and our wonderful speech path where he’s learning to use his communication device through play.  

I could tell right after school that Fletcher was dysregulated, but couldn’t identify a particular reason.  He had a good day, ate a decent lunch, played hard at recess.  Maybe it was the dreary Wisconsin weather day or a pending growth spurt.  Maybe there really isn’t an explanation.  Either way, he was wound really tight, full of energy, and not too interested in any suggested strategies.

Max has been a little off lately and fell asleep in the car on the way to therapy.  That’s quite possibly the worst timing for a nap ever.  He was in such a deep sleep that I transferred him from the car to the stroller without so much as a peep.  And when he woke up, he was NOT where he had fallen asleep.  That’s really hard, too.

While we waited for our appointments to start, Fletcher was furiously bouncing on a trampoline in a spare room while I tossed a ball to him (I was desperate to get him some sensory input before his appointment) and Max snored in the stroller, my attempts to wake him unsuccessful. Our therapists arrived and chaos ensued.  Fletcher had no intention of leaving me for his appointment (which is the Fletcher of 2 and a half years ago, not 6 year-old Fletcher) and Max woke up like a lion.  At one point, Max was inconsolable on my lap with wet fruit snacks sitting on the floor next to him while Fletcher was crying behind me while listing every reason he couldn’t go upstairs to the big gym.  I’m telling you.  We. Were. The. Circus.

While it was chaotic, loud and completely over-stimulating (for me!), it was also a moment that reminded me of how far I have come with my ability to regulate myself in these situations.  Because if no one has told you, parents get dysregulated, too!

In the past, I likely would have been a puddle – joining right in with my crying kids feeling helpless, or hopeless… or both.    Or, I would’ve held it in and then the dam would’ve broken the minute I closed the car door and I would have cried all the way home. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with either of those scenarios – sometimes crying is the outlet needed most.

Today, however, I was able to chuckle a little bit at the intense level of pandemonium we brought along with us.  When Fletcher questioned why I was laughing, I was able to tell him that it’s important to find the humor in situations when you feel like everything is outside of your control.  I haven’t always been able to do this.  Experience has helped.  Therapy has helped.  And to be honest, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a little credit to Lexapro, too.  I’ve been calling myself a Lover of Lexapro lately – that’s probably best saved for a post all on it’s own, but seriously, it’s been life changing.

In our moment(s) of what felt like relentless chaos today I also found myself exceptionally grateful for the amazing people who support us.  I was again reminded that we’ve found our therapy home.  Our therapists were right in it with me.  Not a lick of judgement, just knowing glances, endless attempts at different strategies or new ways of engaging the boys and the compassionate understanding that sometimes these days happen for no particular reason.  That kind of support feels like a giant bear hug in the hardest moments.  

Five hours after meltdown city and I’m finally feeling more regulated myself.  A walk outside with friends helped, seeing some family helped, deep breaths helped…and some frozen custard didn’t hurt either :).

If you’ve had a circus kind of day, you’re my people and you’re not alone.

XOXO